Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
