I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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