if you like me you must not know who I am
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
