We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
