If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
