hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
