In the future we'll all be gay
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
we're so committed to being not committed
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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