they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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