I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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