While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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