why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
