I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Someone signed my nipple.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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