I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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