I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
