So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
