Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
