dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
