he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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