Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
