Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
