I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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