we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
