I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize