ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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