Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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