Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
