she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
