Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
