why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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