its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
