the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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