She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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