i jhust puked up my retainher.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
