if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
