If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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