I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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