my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
