you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize