Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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