I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
