wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize