woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
