I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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