Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
