Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
