so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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