if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
