I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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