Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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