You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
