i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
