how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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