you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
