They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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