after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
