I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
